Soap is not a condiment
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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