You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
