I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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