it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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