So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
