Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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