I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
