i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
