just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
