Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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