im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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