And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
