Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
