I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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