he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
