we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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