Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am midnight drunk by noon
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
