Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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