i jhust puked up my retainher.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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