Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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