Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
