I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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