First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
