Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
