I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Randomize
