I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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