I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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