apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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