Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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