I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
