My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
