dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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