I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
