Kiss
Puke
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
