one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
