my mouth tastes like poor choices
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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