hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
