Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
