how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
