Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize