Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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