Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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