Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
