Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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