i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
