I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
