i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
