Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
