I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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