Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
