Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
