Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
