vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
