Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
