my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I looked at my own cervix.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's always time for handjobs
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize