I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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