i was born a porn star she said
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
