your room smells of hookers.
And success
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
